Becoming a Parent

​When my wife and I found we were going to have our first baby, we were told by friends and neighbors that our lives were about to change, more so than we could imagine. A new baby would disrupt our day to day lives, and redefine who we were. Redefine who I was? Really? At the time, waiting for the baby to be born, I found it hard to imagine that I would be anyone different than I already was. But along came the new baby, and reality hit hard fast. Suddenly there was a child that could not be ignored or placed second on the priority list. Adapting to the new life was challenging, stressful, and there was some resistance to changing or giving up parts of my life that no longer fit with the demands of parenthood. Indeed, the transition to parenthood can be very disrupting, throwing a new parent’s life out of balance, and forcing rapid adaptation. All of a sudden there is a new relationship that needs to be nurtured and cared for, and little time left for nurturing other relationships. This kind of disequilibrium is common for new parents, many of whom will struggle to balance their attachments with friends, coworkers, and even their spouse as they put their energy into developing attachment with a new child.

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The important thing to remember is that this is normal. After the birth of my first child, the memory of a pre-parenting life was still fresh in my mind, and therefore so clearly contrasted with what I was adjusting to: interrupted sleep, changing diapers and (even worse) paying for diapers, competing with a ‘stranger’ for my spouse’s attention, and having less time to care for myself. Life eventually evened out as I finished adapting and adjusting, and re-calibrating my routines to strike a balance between my child, myself, and my relationship with others. But it was a dizzy blur for a while. Santrock (2018, p.186) reviews some of the research that has been conducted on this major life adjustment, with some of the highlights listed below:

• Don’t be shy – Less avoidantly attached new parents adapt to new child care tasks better than avoidantly attached parents
• Further apart, yet closer together - Couples interviewed from late pregnancy through three and half years after birth of the baby reported more positive marital relations before their baby was born than after, but a third reported an increase in marital satisfaction, “being parents enhanced their sense of themselves and also gave them a new, more stable identity as a couple.”
• Balancing the work load – Dual-earner couples, both working the same amount before parenthood, saw unequal increases in additional hours, with women doing 2 hours of additional work per day, compared to 40 minutes for men

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The transition to parenthood represents an incredible change in the lives of the new parents, filled with joys and challenges. The adjustment can be bewildering, and it can test a new parent’s relationships with others as they adapt and find balance. But remember that this is normal. And in the long run, many couples find that new strength in their relationship. Don’t be shy about spending time with baby, being sensitive to their needs and being consistently available, in order to develop a healthy attachment. And for the men out there – don’t be shy about sharing the work at home either. Good luck!

 Santrock, J. (2019). Life-span Development (17th ed.). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Education. ​